Posted by Rio on September 24, 1998 at 20:08:11:
disclaimers: yes, ladies and gentleman, here it is, technical mumbo jumbo for idiots! (no, i don't know either) i shall not profit from these inane tangins labeled stories that are about characters i do not own. thank you
spoilers: let's see.....up to and including all previous tidbits of the middle of chapter 3 in Memnoch. this includes Pandora.
Double your pleasure, double your fun........ by the oh-so-talented RIO!
Sailing across this sea of grits, I see the serpent I have set out to destroy.
"Hark! The infamous butter! Oh how I despise your fake yellow brillance! Feel my wrath! Charge!" I lunged forward, slicing him in two. -Smash! Squish! Sploosh!- I have eliminated the offender. Now on to bigger things. I marched down the hall, cape waving in the wind, heading for my first target, Armand. But alas, my path is altered as Marius blocks the way, evil Shakespear in hand.
"Louis, what are you doing?" he said, backing away slowly. "Louis, put it down! NO~~~~~!" he screamed as I attacked him mercilessly. He tried to escape but my stainless steel strength was no match for him. Moments later he was stuck to the ceiling with lots and lots of pink bubblegum. I once again set out to conquer my arch nemisis, Armand. All of a sudden, I was pinned to the floor. It was mashed potato.
"Arg! I'm covered in fluffy puffyness! Erg!" I shouted.
"Aha! I've got you now!" mashed potato yelled.
"Get 'em Santo!" pink bubblegum interjected. Mashed potato dropped me, turned, and glared at pink bubblegum.
"Eeep!" pink bubblegum squeeked right before his face was covered with a generous amount of gravy potato mixture. As I walked away to pursue my foe, I couldn't resist a glance back, which resulted in a giggle. Pink bubblegum had somehow reattached himself to the wall and had mashed potato pinned to the floor with a few eneormous globs of Bubble Yum. Fortunatley they were shouting, well, mashed potato was trying to shout around his sticky gag and pink bubblegum was laughing insanely, but the point is they didn't hear my giggling and I made a clean escape around the corner. Finally, I can continue my quest for Armand, the salda fork fiend. Surprisingly enough, no one bombared me as I entered Lestat's bedroom to deem the area clear. As I stepped to the rear of the room, I heard the door slam shut behind me and knew it was Lestat ze Grapefruit, my bittersweet companion. Pehaps he will join me or his juice will cover the floor as spoons have no blood.
"At last we meet again, eh spoon?"
"Yes grapefruit, we have. I see you still posess your uncanny knack of stating the obvious with perfection."
"Don't toy with me, you utensil, you. I block your path and would like to know what you plan to do about it."
"Well, you could join in my strike aganist salad fork, or you could fell the wrath of my juicer!" I yelled, whipping out my weapon of choice from under my green sequined cape.
"I see you've come prepared my stainless steel comrad. I would join you rather than die as a spy for banana cream pie!"
"Very well then, you have succeeded your mother, sucessfully created a rhyme and escaped the family buisness," I replyed, reholstering my juicemaster 3000. "I apologize as time is short and we cannot celebrate our union. Salad fork threatens to melt parfait!"
"Onward! To face the future with diginity! To look our fear in the face and laugh! To..."
"Shut up grapefruit."
"Right sir, very good sir, lead the way sir." I sighed and stepped into the hall, electric toothbrush drawn and loaded, with crest, of course. I was estatic to have company, but wasn't sure if my sidekick could take the heat. I would shortly find out as Glazed Ham, Jelly Doughnut, and Crumpet Chunk ambushed us outside of the master bath. I laughed to see glazed ham in a leather mini and halter top, it had been appropriate for the streets but not for battle. Or so I thought until I noticed she had hypnotized grapefruit, his charm attracting her. That should keep those two occupied, I thought as I turned to face my remaining enemies. But caught up in the moment, they were baking a wedding cake for glazed and grapefruit. Hmm, to let them live happily ever after or to take advantage of the situation? Normally, I'd leave well enough alone, but it's a triple play, bonus point for my sidekick and I know you want some action. Smiling, I pulled out my potato whistle and blew, hard. For all you primitive perverted people(like I should talk), a potato whistle is a version of the dog whistle. Mashed potato appeared behind me and lunged for my secret power source, my pearl and emeral broach. I ducked and he flew into the orgy taking place between glazed ham, grapefruit, jelly doughnut, who was taking notes, crumpet chunk, and now mashed potato, with pink bubble gum soon to follow.
"Tatertot, where for art thou tatertot? I haven't finished buttering your chives!" pink bubblegum shouted, bouncing in, leaving a sticky trail behind.
"Ew!" I shrieked and ran forward, the only way I could for there was a thick pink trail covering the way back. Unfortunatley, I could not get far away enough from the sounds. -Slurp, gulp, yes, Yes, YES! grrr~~~, meow, oh you animal! higher, higher!! Could you do that again, I didn't get a clear view. Was that left to right or right to left? Here, let me show you. Oh GOD!!! Mmrphgrglsrpmh!- Have you hear enough? No? TO DAMN BAD!!! I must continue. Armand, ho!
"Ho, ho, ho! Merry Thanksgiving!" Kielbasa shouted, decked out in a large pumpkin costume.
"Oy Vay! Kielbasa, it's not christmas OR thanksgiving OR halloween! And your not santa clause, a jack-o-lantern, or a turkey!" I exclaimed pulling some feathers from his, well, off of him.
"Who am I? Where's my dinner? I wanted steak, not meatloaf! I'm allergic to toast, you know that! Another chicken leg bone, by jove, I think she's trying to kill me! No, no, not the umbrella, no~~~~!" -SMACK-
"Pull yourself together!"
"I can't find my identity, where's my library card? Oh God, my pet lamp is gone, run away with the wild giraffes! Gladice~~~~!"
"Why don't you go join the orgy down the hall? It may not help you with your memory, but it's an excuse to have a cigarette. Get me the lighter, ok? Kielbasa?" He passed out on the floor, I bet you it was that egg nog! Never again shall I let my meats spoil! Refridgeration! Call it! R-E-F-R-I-D-G-E-R-A-T-I-O-N! We've got the right, to fight, e-coli! Go team!" I dropped my pom-poms and pulled the pig-tails out of my hair. I took kielbasa's deep fryer and hid him behing the exquisite fern green pull out bed. Stepping lightly, I made my way down the hall, cringing as the floorboards creaked under my weight. Hey, wait a minute, I'm flying, with the aid of my green sequined cape of course. So that means....
"So, you think you can steal my son, eh silver wannabe? You're dealing with the de Lemoncrunch family you tarnished piece of trash so hand him over!"
"That way," I said gesturing down the hall, towards the noises. As she ran away I grinned and waited for the scream. -shriek!- I laughed.
das ist die end!
Cocktails and moonlit nights
Steel drums playing in the background, the calming sound of the waves filling my ears, the warm sand between my toes. Ahhhhhh yes--------this is paradise. Smell that saltwater, so placid, so peaceful, so, so, so NICE. Nice to be alone, to be away from it all. -knock, knock, knock-
"Who is it?"
"It's me! Can I come in?"
"Me who?"
"Louis! It's Lestat! Can I----wait a cotton pickin' minute! Technicall it's my bathroom! I'm coming in!" He burst in and did a double take of what Louis had done. "M-my bathroom! My hottub! "Louis! I thought I had made it perfectly clear to you not to fill my jacuzzi with sand, put in your relaxation tapes, and pretend to be at the beach! Gadzooks! You even moved my sunlamps! Eek~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Louis...."
(whispered)"Yes Lestat?"
"...how did my HAIRBRUSH end up in the TOILET?!?" he roared.
"I-I-I-I-I didn't do it."
"Who did then?"
"Let's draw straws."
"Marius ate them."
"Plastic forks?"
"Daniel."
"Breadsticks?"
"Pandora."
"Names out of a hat?"
"Armand burned my hats."
"Baskets?"
"Santino."
"Flower pots?"
"Nicki."
"Nicki?"
"Nicki."
"Teapots?" (lestat glares at louis) "David?"
"David."
"My shoe?"
"Mojo."
"Zut! Um......toolboxes?"
"Toolboxes?"
"Toolboxes!"
"We don't have any."
"Really?"
"Really."
"I know what I'm getting you for christmas."
"You wouldn't?!?"
"I would."
"How can I change you mind?"
"It was David."
"Was not!"
"I say it was."
"But him-him and, and Marius----"
"You'll just love this toolbox, I saw it on sale at Sears."
"Sears?"
"Sears."
"Are you trying to kill me?"
"It was David."
"But....."
"Yes?"
"......yes....."
"I'm going to BURN him for you, ok?"
"Ok...Tiens! Non!"
"Polyester......sequined richard simmons spandex..."
"n-n-n-n-n-no..."
"thrift store.....hand-me-downs...."
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I can't take it anymore! Kill the stupid Brit! See if I care when Marius forces you to take his place!"
"You're just jealous because I get to kill him."
"Oh~~~~~~~~~~~~shut up Louis!"
"THAT sounds familar."
"Perfect! Perfect! Just bu---perfect!"
"Oh don't be cross with me 'Stat."
"Leave me alone!" (door slams, Lestat exits, stage right)
"Love you too! Now, where is David?" (runs downstairs, ducks behind a plant as he sees Marius and his victim tumbling around on the floor)
"Oh, oh, OH! David, please, I have to~~~~ to~~~ oh GOD! leave!"
"No~~~~you~~~~don't"
"Yes~~~~I~~~~~do!" -CRASH!- (david is thrown into a wall, Marius exits, stage left, louis walks over to david)
"Tough break, huh?"
"Yeah, I was just about to--hey! How long have you been there?"
"Ever since-Oh, oh, OH! David please! I have to~~~~ to~~~ oh GOD! leave!"
"Oh, ok, thank goodness you weren't here 5 minutes ago when I---"
"Spare me!"
"Sorry, what do you want?"
"Can you help me with something in the kitchen?"
"Sure~~~~~what?"
"It's a surprise."
"Oh....ok~~~" (they walk into the kitchen, louis grabs something)
"What are you doing? What is that?"
"A large metal rod."
"Oh....What are you...oh...oh....ow...blah...croak...choke...sputter...cough" (louis skewers david and carries him to the fireplace, places him on the roaster thing-a-ma-jig, strikes a match, turns the crispy david so he browns evenly)
"Bye bye Davy." (louis)
"MY CARPET!!" (lestat)
"MY LOVER!!" (marius)
"MY EARDRUMS!!" (louis)
"MY JELLO!!" (nicki)
"MY FERRETS!!" (armand)
"MY WATERMELON!!" (khayman)
"MY SHOPPING CART!!" (santino)
-END-
casting call
spoon---louis
salad fork---armand
grapefruit---lestat
pink bubblegum---marius
mashed potato---santino
glazed ham---pandora
crumpet chunk---david
jelly doughnut---daniel
banana cream pie---gabrielle
kielbasa--khayman